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FOUR SEASONS SPOTLIGHT All grown up — the wages of the golden years Patriarch Purple By Crotchet E. Oldman The relentless force of gravity has been pulling on me for more years than I care to say. And it's starting to show. At my yearly checkup the doctor used to ask if I was eating right and exercising — if so, how much exercise I was doing? Today I am asked if I can feed myself and get out of bed without assistance — if so, how many times do I get up to the bathroom each night? And it's not just yearly anymore. The doctor takes one look at the crumbling ruin I have become and says, "I want to see you back here in four months." I'm developing defects faster than a badly-maintained used car. Like the big blue bruises on the back of my hands. All I have to do is brush the hair out of my eyes and I get a bruise. (That assumes there is hair to brush. Perhaps I should say, stroke my chin. I do a lot of that, in puzzlement.) And the bruises have a name: Senile Purpura – Purpura for purple and Senile for… well, I don't want to go into that. The doctor explained that they are caused by blood vessels getting fragile and the fat layer beneath the skin getting thinner as my years become more and more golden. That means more breakable vessels with less protection blow out, dump their contents under my skin and I get the back-of-the-hand blues. They're the color of plums, and with my wrinkles they look a lot like prunes. My days in singles bars have been over for more than 50 years, but this development has ended any hope of return. Nobody's going to believe I'm 35 if I have purple blotches all over me. (I would blame the wrinkles and gravity-powered sag on a tough 6 FOUR SEASONS BREEZE | OCTOBER 2013 | community News life- maybe get some sympathy.) And the name, Senile Purpura, I want to do something about that. To start, change Purpura to Purple, which is quite appropriate. Soldiers wounded in war get Purple Hearts, and getting older is certainly combat with a lot of wounds. But Senile implies decrepit or feeble: "showing the weaknesses of old age, especially the loss of mental faculties," according to Webster. I admit to the loss of lots of faculties, but Webster should know that crack about mental was unnecessary. So, how about Senior Purple, or the Purple of Maturity, or Veteran Purple, or Patriarch Purple? I like that one, Patriarch Purple. Who decides the names of these things? I want to tell them a thing or two. . Doctor: I'm sorry she laughed when you told her you were 35. Patient: But how can I get my youth back? Doctor: I recommend reincarnation.

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