Issue link: https://imageup.uberflip.com/i/233922
The Middle of the Road: By Randy Peters, a middle-aged, middle-income, middle-school teacher My New Years resolutions are for others to change I'd like to think I'm very low-key about the New Year coming in. It's just another flip of the calendar, a change of numbers to write on classroom assignments and checks. It's just an arbitrary number because Pope Gregory found a cause and made a stand. It really doesn't matter, does it? Well, it didn't matter when I was in my thirties or even forties. But during this decade of middle-age, it's starting to matter. New Year's resolutions were fun to put on the list and were expected to fall off the list. Didn't quite make it this year? No problem. Try it again next year. But now… now, there is a deadline. I don't know when it is, but it is certainly closer than it used to be. So I decided I better make a resolution or two to help push that deadline even further away. My doctor has made a resolution for me. He wants me to eliminate stress in my life so that I become a healthier person. So maybe I should use the treadmill and recumbent bike for something other than a storage vessel. Maybe I should cut back on processed foods, caffeine, and sugar. I've been reading about balance in a gluten-free world. Maybe I should embrace that philosophy. Who am I kidding? It's not even Christmas as I'm writing this. I can make all those promises now, but by the time you are reading this in January, I will have already broken those resolutions and promises and returned to my old ways. It's true that in order for my stress level to go down, there does need to be some changes. I'm just thinking that maybe I shouldn't be the one to make those changes. So for my stress-free health and happiness, I think these resolutions should be made. Drivers: When you see me driving down Bryant Street and there is no one else on the road, please wait until I've passed before you pull out of your mobile home park. When entering the round-about, please drive toward the right. I've seen you head left against traffic in order to make a 14 OUR YUCAIPA | JANUARY 2014 left turn. I don't think you were aware of it, but my stress level went way up waiting to hear the crash. When we approach a four-way stop (which can be just about anywhere in town), don't wave me through and get upset at me when I actually do come to a stop before proceeding. That extra 2 seconds you lost waiting for me will be made up when you floor the gas, speed away, and flip me off. politicians: You chose to enter a profession to serve your fellow citizens. Please do so. Stop using the position we elected you to as a stepping stone for your goal of achieving wealth and an easy retirement. Follow the lead of Cincinnatus. He left his farm, ruled Ancient Rome for a time, and then went back to his farm. NEWSCASTERS: You have a choice. Choose the proper noun or the pronoun. Stop using them both in the same sentence. The correct sentence is "President Obama made a speech." It is not "President Obama he made a speech." Please acknowledge the fact that most of you are not reporters and should not refer to yourself as such. You are good readers. That is all. SHOPPERS: I am aware that you need to drive a really big truck. Are you aware that people will like you better if you parked further away from other cars and stopped blocking me from opening my door? If you plan to use your checkbook to pay for your purchase, get it out while you're waiting for the cashier to ring up your goods. Don't wait until the cashier is done for you to start digging through your over-sized, over-stuffed purse to look for your checkbook. Why are you still using a checkbook, anyway? Thank you, everyone, for helping me with my resolutions to reduce stress in my life. I feel better already. Maybe now I really will start to eat better and exercise this year. Keep your eye on the road.