Issue link: https://imageup.uberflip.com/i/565109
4 OUR YUCAIPA | SEPTEMBER 2015 Okay DirecTV… This is your last chance By Courtney Fox Taylor I broke up with DirecTV. Well, I tried. We've been in a relationship for a decade. Then the receivers started going. I knew there were problems when The Real Housewives of Orange County started skipping like a scratched record. One minute ladies are all in Tahiti at dinner, then they're in the pool, half-naked and completely trashed, then they're in a hut and accusing Megan of stirring the pot. What? Skkiiiiippppp. Why is Vikki taking bread away from Brooks? Skkiiiiippppp. Now Tamara is doing squats? Skkiiiiippppp. Shannon is running up the stairs crying? I wasn't following any of it. It suddenly occured to me that maybe their lives don't really matter to my life at all. Maybe I could live without them. But what will happen with Heather's house? How will the tile turn out? Okay, maybe not. I called DirecTV to get new receivers when ours finally gave up the ghost and, not in the mood to fight, agreed to everything. Sure, we'll have the same package. No price difference? Whatever. Okay, add a receiver in the guest room. Two more years? Why not. Sigh. Sometimes staying in relationships feels more like inertia than choice. Then they transferred me to the guy who would go over the agreement. He repeated everything then added, "It will be $49.99 for a technician to come to your house." "Wait. I'm staying with you for two more years… I want that fee waived," I said. "Sorry. I can't do that." "Then forget it," I said, trying not to yell. "Cancel the whole thing. Cancel my account." "I can't do that either," he said. "Then I'll call back and cancel." It felt good, just thinking about it. Empowering. I would be on my own. Just me and NetFlix and Hulu and the Internet machine and YouTube and Apple TV and A&E and recently released movies and the History Channel… Finally free. Then my husband came home and wanted to watch golf. Live, of course. I looked for that channel. Live sports, live sports, live sports. Hmmmm.… "Maybe you can go watch the golf at Time Out?" I suggested. "I want to watch it lying on my own bed in my own room," he said. "But we're in a bad relationship with DirecTV. I feel like we're being taken advantage of." So he said that he'd find a different company, one that treated us better and didn't nickel and dime us. And I called DirecTV to break up. "I'm sorry to hear that," said the lady. That was easier than I thought. Then she transferred me to Retention. The new lady also said she was sorry and pulled up my account. "I see you've been with us for 10 years." "Yes, and that's long enough," I said, sticking to my guns. "I've been seeing NetFlix and Hulu behind your back and they're very nice to me. They don't charge me $49.99 to come to my house to install new receivers." "Well I have no idea why someone told you there'd be a charge. We really value your loyalty." "Sure." "And we'd like to bring the new receivers to your house at no charge." "Whatever." "And we can cut your bill in half." "Really?" "And give you Showtime at no additional charge." "Well…" "And 300 hours of DVR space." "That is a lot of hours," I said. "Why didn't you do all this for me before?" "You didn't ask." When the man who I didn't pay for came over I kind of felt sorry for him. I was dating DirecTV again, but I know it's not going to be forever. "Do you have a back up career plan?" I asked. "What?" "You know, when cable goes away. I'm not the only one who knows this can't go on forever. I'm just using you for golf because my husband's favorite way to watch it is lying down. But someone is going to invent something that will make it so we can watch live golf in all its glorious action packed thrill a minute glory without cable. Don't you think?" "Um… sure?" He was clearly confused. "Look, it's like you're the last typewriter repair person in the computer age. The last buggy whip factory assembly person in the age of cars. I hope you have other skills." "I do," he said. He wasn't defensive. He was almost sad. I felt bad for him but that's what happens with progress. Right MySpace? So DirecTV and I are back together - for now. And I've realized that, like in any relationship, you can't just go through being miserable. You have to ask for what you want and be willing to walk away if you don't get it. Just like with Shannon and David. She's kind of a nag and he needs to ask her to stop being that way. Although he had an affair so she asked him to stop doing that. Is Brooks really faking cancer? Why would he do that? Now I'll know for sure. And, for the record, they all stir the pot. Moral of the story: You should call DirecTV and threaten to break up with them so you too can follow the empty lives of the rich and bitchy for half price — plus Showtime!