Image Up Advertising & Design

40 FOUR SEASONS BREEZE | JANUARY 2016 As we often discuss in our group, as seniors we are going to experience loss and the attendant grief continually. As of now, we are the survivors. We lose friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers, pets. Therefore, it behooves us to learn how to process grief well rather than getting stuck in unhappiness and despair. Although I am intimately familiar with loss and grief, it has been several years since someone I was extremely attached to has passed away. So even though I had not forgotten the memory of pain, I had not been "there" for awhile. But that changed over Thanksgiving week. My healthy, happy 5-year-old cat Sunny, one of a pair of litter mates I adopted when they were kittens, suddenly became gravely ill. After an intense week of vet visits, tests, possible cures, and all that medical science now offers our furry companions, I had to euthanize her. It was the best decision. I consulted several veterinarians and examined all the options and listened to their opinions. We all agreed upon that course of action. And although I am not equating the loss of a pet with the loss of an intimate friend or relative, there is intense sadness and grief involved. And because I facilitate the Bereavement Group, I have paid close attention to my reactions and my process, so that I could share them with the group participants. Of course, my initial reactions were shock and sadness. There was disbelief that Sunny was gone. It was so fast! I worried about her family, her adored "brother" Spenser. I worried about me. How bad was this going to be? And then guilt descended. Had I done enough? Did I end her life prematurely? Had I done something to cause it? (This, even though it was a genetic bone marrow problem.) After a few days I started to feel better. I felt relieved. And then I felt guilty for getting over it so fast. But I hadn't. I donated some of her medicines and belongings to a rescue shelter, but when I picked up her bed to give it away, I felt a familiar tug. It was too soon. I can do it later. Or not. Whatever I decide as time passes. What have I learned? First of all that the grief following death is painful. When we are deprived of someone or something that really matters to us, we hurt. Second, that we feel guilt, seemingly regardless of what we may know. Third, that no matter how kind, loving and attentive we may have been, it doesn't feel like enough. The "if onlys" creep in. Fourth, that feelings of sadness wax and wane. Fifth, that grieving also feels like a way of honoring the deceased. None of this is news to me. But it was a bit startling to realize that I knew so much about grief but that knowing didn't much help with the feelings. However, there is one thing that has helped me immensely. It is something we talk about over and over in the group. It seems difficult for people to grasp, but I think it is essential. That one thing is: I do not judge myself for the feelings. I just have them. I start to feel guilty, start to beat myself up then I stand back and note that I am human, and as a human, guilt is part of grieving. So instead of feeling like a bad person, I just feel like a grieving person. I also know that I have a place to go where I can talk about my loss and my sadness. If you are grieving and feeling overwhelmed, come join us. We meet on Mondays from 1 to 3 pm in the Lodge Crafts Room. You can just come by, or you can contact me first. My phone number is (951) 922-0934 and my email is lauriemlarson425@ gmail.com. All contact is confidential. ~ Laurie Larson Bereavement Group

• Cover